I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost my beliefs. I haven't lost the truth. What I've lost, is myself.

I'm tired of hiding.
The hurt.
The pain.
The fear.

"Those God greatly uses are those God greatly wounds." A.W. Tozer

When Do You Know You're an Adult?

I went to the bank today. I sat in the chair, and talked with my Wells Fargo Personal Banker, Charla. She was very nice, and personable and quite helpful (all things I'm sure her manager would be glad to hear), but there was something that just felt 'off' while I was there. Charla walked away for a few moments, and thats when it hit me; I still felt like I was a little kid. I was doing grown up things, but I still felt like a teenager or something. Don't really know how to explain it... more on that later.
I am about halfway done with reading what is posted of Midnight Sun on the Twilight webpage. I love it, but once again I am pressed with the question, "What am I going to do when I finish reading it?".
Nikki and I hung out for a few hours tonight, and as always it was... interesting. First we ate hummus and drank mojitos at a trendy downtown Phoenix restaurant (which Nikki later informed me was an openly GAY restaurant. So I am sure the entire time we were there our 'delicate' waiter thought we were lesbian- life partners). And I have to say... I had quite a delicious blackberry mojito. Then just for kicks and giggles, we broke into Barry Goldwater and walked around. It was wierd being on campus and walking around like we were going to class again. Everything is still the same, except now they have little tiny Bulldogs painted on the pavement. Lame.
Today in class, Brock, my 3-year old boyfriend broke up with me for the pretty blonde, new girl in class. Story of my life.

When two of your best friends get married... whose side do you sit on at the ceremony?

These are Strage Times We're Living in Wilber...

Have you ever just had one of those days where everything seems to be happening in the wrong time or place? I dont know how to explain it any better than that..... but I'll try....Today I was woken up by a very loud banging. A continous, loud, metal on metal kind of banging. Seeing as this was the one day in the last month that I have gotten to sleep past 7am I was somewhat angry at the noise coming through my walls at 6:56. I could tell that it was annoying Moonshine as well when he jumped up onto my bed and looked at me with his big brown eyes begging to make the noise stop. So I sat up, swumg my legs over the side of my bed and walked into the kitchen to find my mother... making candles. For those of you who don't know my mom... she isn't artsy or crafty AT ALL. Her idea of doing a craft is... well... she doesn't even have ideas about doing crafts. Anyways, she looks up at me, smiles and says, "Good Morning! Would you like to smell the Tango Mango?" Who was this weird, artsy, woman in my kitchen making tango mango candles at dawn? I didn't care... I just turned around and went back to bed.
Yesterday on my way to Christys house I was following a car with a Kansas license plate, which didn't even occur to me as out of place right away cause I was used to seeing them all over. When it hit me that, "Hey... thats unusual!" it became my obsession to get as close to the car as I could to see what county they were from. (Side note: To everyone from Arizona... in Kansas there is another sticker placed on your license plate that is an abbreviation of what county you live in. For instance Manhattan is in Riley county so my license plate had an RL sticker on it. I'm not sure why... but there is.) This took quite an effort seeing as the car had already moved away and ahead of me in traffic. So I began to swerve and weave in and out of traffic trying to catch up. Finally I got close enough and low and behold there it was. A big, fat.... RL. Of course I had never seen the lady driving the car in my life, and she probably thought I was insane chasing her down like a scene from cops... but it made me happy.
Short Story: I walked into my grandmothers house today. Usually she hugs me. Today she did a secret hand shake that apparently I didn't know the secret to.
I've decided that I'm changing my middle name. Not necessarily changing it so much, as editting it. When I was born my parents had my name all picked out. But not the spelling of it. My dad has never been good with helping me with English homework. He can't spell, doesn't understand the different uses of punctuation, and often just makes up words. My mom was always my English tutor. Right after I was born they shot my mom so full of pain medication that she could hardly see, and gave my dad the paperwork to fill out about what my name was going to be. I am honestly surprised that he spelt my first name correctly. On my birth certificate my name reads: Amanda Noel Schoech. They had Noel picked out, but my mother wanted it to be spelled Noelle. My father, unaware that n-o-e-l was the typical spelling for the masculine version of the name... spelt it that way because at the time (Christmas-time) there were tons of decorations up in the hospital spelt out as n-o-e-l. So therefore, I have a boy middle name, and I'm going to fix it. But changing your name is freaking expensive. Maybe that just what I'll ask for for Christmas next year.
There is a movie theater and shopping center that used to be 'the hangout' for the kids at my high school. AMC 30 is where you went on Friday and Saturday nights to hang out, be seen and do... whatever stupid things it was we did when we were in high school. Christy and I went to see Bride Wars at like 5:30, and were a little shocked at how completely empty the place was for a Saturday night. Usually by then the place would already be full of junior highers standing around in circles talking to each other on their cell phones. So we went in watched the movie(super good! go see it with your best friend!) and came back out to find the place a little more populated specifically with those junior highers I was telling you about. We jumped in the car and drove down to Target to get some necesseties and as we were walking in, there was a woman walking out wearing...a blue bathrobe and slippers. Now, I know that I am guilty of wearing pajama pants out in public a few times in my life mostly just because I needed something quickly and I didn't give a damn what anyone thought. But honestly? A robe? AND slippers? We looked at her, and then at each other... talked about it for a minute, and then moved on. We purchased our items and got back in the car headed to pick up little miss PJ....when there she was. A very....round woman wearing what I can only describe as.... a tube top that she turned into a dress. It was not long enough by any means and black tights that looked like she had taken a razor blade to. I didn't even notice her the first time we drove by, but Christy thought it was pertinent I observe such a spectackle and made a 'loop' around so that I could get a better look. Upon seeing her more closely I noticed something not visible to me before: This woman was wearing no bra (obvious because as she did a little jumpy-leprechaun manuver her breasts popped out of her tube top/dress), and her underware were almost around her knees. I'm pretty sure our mouths were hanging open as we drove by. We began to look for the cop we saw earlier but could not find him (Christy even made an illegal turn hoping to attract him). We decided that she either had to be on some kind of drugs, or lost a serious bet. New Rule: When I have kids they will not be allowed to go to AMC 30 after dark.
This was so incredibly longer than I thought it was going to be, but I'll leave you with this... just a few things I've been wondering recently:
1. Have you ever noticed that in the Allstate insurance commercials it has a disclaimer that says, "Not Available in all states." What?
2. If a transvestite goes missing, would we put their face on a bottle of half and half? (Ok... kinda mean, but it funny!!)
3. What is another word for Thesaurus?

Sooo.... today when I woke up. I had enough money. And now as I am about to fall into sleep... I am broke. What changed, you ask. Let me explain.

My dad had a problem with our phone service, so we made a quick stop by the Verizon store before lunch with my grandmother. As we walked in, a man quite freakishly resembling Barack Obama, approached us and asked how he could help. My father gave him all our information, and soon after he pulled up our account, and his first mistake, he mentioned that my line was due for an upgrade. You know me, I love my upgrades. So as my dad rolled his eyes, and continued on with his business, I casually meandered over to the phone display and began to look at all the shinny new telephones. Mesmerized by one, I picked it up and began to mentally tabulate my finances in my head, and decided that yes, I needed this phone. NEEDED. Second mistake.

We left the store, and all through the day, all that kept running through my mind was the phone, sitting all alone back at the Verizon store. So... after thinking it trough, (or so I thought...) we made another stop at the store, where I purchased my dream phone. Ok, so maybe it's not my dream phone... by dangit... it's close.

Upon arriving home, I realize that I had less money than anticipated, and a voicemail. I checked the voicemail, only to discover that my truck, my beautiful David, needs a new air filter, and a new serpintine belt, which according to Don the Meinike man, is going to cost me $125. Almost as much as I paid for my new phone, and entirely more than I have in my bank account at the present time. Also discovered this afternoon, the tags on my truck expire this month. Hello, Arizona registration, emissions test, and new plates. I'm afraid to know how much that is going to cost me.

In closing, I would like to remind you that my birthday is in a little over a month, and I am currently accepting donations, cash gifts, or free automotive labor as an early birthday gift.

But oh, how I do love my phone.....